Monday, November 29, 2010

I. Love. Food.

Miss Cat, my favorite Brit asked me today if I was mentally prepared for surgery on Thursday. I was sitting there on twitter and watching Dr. Phil and his guest today is a guy who wrote "The 17 Day Diet". I looked at Cat's question and said "Nope! Changed my mind again. Maybe I can cancel this surgery after all."

You can get the book at (again, if you want to give me money for promoting you Dr Mike, I'd be happy to send my address)

The concept is that you change things up every 17 days so that your metabolism doesn't get used to what you're doing. Which makes sense. Dr. Phil could have been talking about me as he said "What happens when you diet? You do the same thing over and over again, you lose, and then you plateau. Then you get frustrated, you give up, and you start gaining again."
Oh hey there Dr Phil...if you could stop spying on me and get out of my head that would be great. It's kinda creepy. True, but creepy.

I digress. So, back to the mentally prepared question. I just wrote a blog post this morning saying how ready I am for this. And then while watching the Phil man I thought again....dude. Why am I not just doing this diet? Why I am I letting Cutty McGee stab me on Thursday and being all drastic and stuff?

I then came to the realization that those thoughts about being too drastic pop into my head because I'm scared of never being able to eat again. Look. I didn't get to 280 lbs by eating bean sprouts, ok? I know that is hard to believe, but it's true, I wouldn't lie to you.

I. Love. Food. I probably love food more than I love my fiance. Instead of becoming Mrs. Johansen next November, maybe I could just become Mrs. Food.
I don't eat to live, I live to eat. People ask what I do in my spare time and I would love to tell them that I eat. If there was an olympic sport in eating I'd even beat China. (Do they beat us alot? If not, I'd beat some country who beats us alot)
If I could I would eat constantly. Pizza, burgers, cakes, cookies, chocolate....
And I guess I'm scared that I will never be able to enjoy my favorite things again. Which is just plain silly. And after the initial period, I will have changed my eating habits and have changed what I crave. The reason I'm having this surgery (the tool) is to have access to a TOOL!!! I will still be able to eat all the things I love after the initial period, I will just have a tool to help me eat them in moderation.

So, Cat...after all that, the answer is yes. I'm prepared. And thanks for asking the question, because it made me think about how prepared I really am. 

And the countdown begins

Today is Monday. Thursday is surgery day. Yeah, the day they stop my heart and I trust some dude I met 6 months ago to cut me open.
Ok granted, that guy is a surgeon who has done thousands of these and went to medical school for 90 years, but still.

Actually, for as nervous as I was a week or so ago, I've calmed down immensely. I still have those moments of doubt...I think to myself  "Really? You're really doing this? You are not that fat. And maybe everyone is right, you could do this on your own. You've lost 5 lbs in the past week on your own."
And then I look at pictures of myself taken on Thanksgiving and go "Yikes, who's the fatty?" "Oh yeah, that's YOU."

And I resigned myself to giving this over to God. I figure God has a plan for everything, right? At least that's what is tattooed on my arm. "As above, so below."
Whatever God has planned above, is what is so here on earth. And if this wasn't the right thing for me, somehow it would have been stopped...either by insurance or anything really. So, that's really helping the nerves. Now I just really want Thursday to be here because the waiting is killing me. Impatience, party of one? Yes, yes that's me, reporting for duty.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Except for when it's Slim Fast. So during my 2 week liquid diet phase I have had the choice of drinking Slim Fast or Atkins shakes. I have used Slim Fast before and while not entirely appealing, say like a giant creme filled donut, it could be worse. I also bought some Atkins shakes because they were on sale, and by golly, I love a sale.
I started drinking the Slim Fast and noticed about 20 min later I would literally be starving. Like to the point where my stomach was eating itself. (Ok that's a lie, but that's what it felt like, honest.) So I decided to try the Atkins shakes instead.
Dear Atkins Shake: Where have you been all my life? Not only are they DELICIOUS with a capital every single letter, but they actually made me feel full. They even have a mocha flavor. *Swoon* Also, Atkins is not paying me. However, if they want to, I'm open to that. (Call me. *wink wink*smooch smooch*). It actually gave me energy and made me feel full and kept me sustained until the time of my next shake. Moral of the story, if you are trying this diet to lose weight, go with the Atkins shakes. If you don't, your stomach will eat itself and also you will be sucked into the vortex of hell.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Like a Racehorse!!!!

I'm starting to get the hang of this liquid diet thing. I'm figuring out how to time things so that I don't get starving, gnaw on my own arm type of hungry.

And did you know, there is this thing called water that actually HELPS your hunger? I'm now on my second 20 oz bottle of water at 930 this morning and by golly, it sure is helping. Everyone told me that drinking water between meals would do wonders, but I was pretty sure it was a wonderful old story just like the stories they tell about these magical.....

 .......oh sorry...I had to step away for a second. Did I mention that now I have to pee every 5 minutes?
I literally sit back down at my desk and have to pee again. I wonder if my co workers would object to letting me have a port a potty in the cube behind me. I mean, I'll share and everything. We could even decorate it inside like a pretty and posh fancy bathroom and even use fancy soap when we come out.
I think that...I don't know what I think, I have to pee again.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Oompa Loompa doompety doo

I'm sitting here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my nieces. Thinking again about how hungry I am.
If I could figure out how to REALLY contain hunger I am 99.9% sure I would solve the world's problem. I imagine we would have world peace. I'm pretty sure the reason all the world's wars have started is because someone is on a diet.
I'm supposed to be on a two week liquid diet up until my surgery. I started yesterday and I cheated today. So, not only am I feeling guilt for that, I'm thinking about how if I can't manage a two week liquid diet, how am I going to manage after surgery? Oh yea...did I mention that I was hungry too? Like really hungry? I could eat a pizza. And an Oompa Loompa.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
  Eating as much as an elephant eats
  What are you at, getting terribly fat
  What do you think will come of that
  I don't like the look of it

I have to figure out a way to deal with this hunger. I have to distract myself somehow. And I have to follow this damn liquid diet. I need to remember the reason I started this process to begin with.
Reason 1) I do not want to have my only cothes be raw materials. "Have you seen my glorious tarp? It's Prada. Ok fine, it's 9000000 pieces of Prada sewn together."
Reason 2) I don't want to have to eventually gerry rig something to wipe my a a Fatty McGee MacGyver.
Reason 3) I still want to be able to use my legs. I don't want them to become something I just itch once in a while.
Ok, I could go on like this for hours, but the main reason I am doing this is for I feel happy and I need to remember that.

"Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself"

And then there was.....

Yep. Welcome to Crazy Town. Population: Me.
I started this blog in the hopes I could easy my anxiety.
I made the decision to have Lap Band Surgery 6 months ago. When I made the decision...well, there wasn't even really a decision. I found out insurance would cover it and that was that. Not once did I have second thoughts.
The moment the 2 week mark hit, all these thoughts came running into my head. I'm not really THAT fat, am I? What am I doing this for? Is this the right decision? What if something goes wrong? Am I really going to be ok with having my stomach hold the amount of an egg for the rest of my life?

And then I remembered that I can't do this on my own. If the past 30 years haven't shown me that, I don't know what they have shown me. I need this tool. I need this to make sure I live the longest, healthiest, happiest life possible.

And then I thought...what's worse? Giving up control for an hour and trusting in my doctor and being in pain for a week or a lifetime of not being able to breathe when I walk up the stairs to my house? Or wondering if people are staring at how fat I am? Or having low self esteem whenever I try to go shopping? Or the thought of walking down the aisle in November as a fat bride?

And then I took a xanax and wished that Dec 2 would hurry up and get here.