Saturday, April 7, 2012

Today. And tomorrow. But mostly today.

I never want to forget today. Never ever. It started out as kind of a sucky day. And quickly turned into the kind of day you never want to forget. I had a bad morning. Weighed myself and wasn't thrilled with the result. A few little pounds may seem like nothing to most of you, but to me, after losing 80 it is devistating and it sends me in a downward spiral. (There's a whole lotta crazy up here folks. A. Whole. Lot. Of. Crazy.) (I can't WAIT to have the band put back in) (I'm thinking August after the race) (OMG stop with the parentheses).

Anyways. Only 3.5 miles on the training plan today, but my body and mind, they were having none of it. My body just felt so heavy and didn't want to cooperate. It just so happens that, for the second training season in a row, my wonderful friend Noah showed up. Just when I needed him the most. (And, yes, I WAS singing Dolly Parton in my head when I wrote that.) We talked about fat kid syndrome, and how some of us always have that voice in our heads, and how we never see ourselves the way others see us. He reminded me that even those who have done marathons and ultra marathons and who are crazy ridiculous runners have bad days. And he said some wonderful and beautiful things about me that made me cry. In a good way. And he told me to be kind to myself.
And I am going to try. I can't promise anything, but I'm going to try.

Also, my coach, Darrell also happens to be a personal trainer. And he's going to help me. And I adore him for that. Getting some tools to help me while my regular tool (the band) is on vacation will help stop this downward spiral I mentioned. I know I can count on Darrell to keep me positive and to understand my limitations, my frustrations, and yet push me where I need to be pushed to.

In short, I remembered today that I have this amazing support system around me. And I never want to forget that again.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Yeah ok, maybe I'll really blog this time.

Every time I see my friend Angie post in her blog, I think that I should get back to blogging. And although this started out as a weightloss blog, I guess it doesn't really have to continue as JUST a weightloss blog. Writing always has helped me let things out a little in a way not even talking about things does. Why I continually stop doing it is beyond me. I think some of it has to do with not wanting to make public a lot of things that I actually should be writing about to clear my head.

So le's do some updating on things here, shall we?

1) I didn't win the lottery. Shocking, I know.

2) I have gained some weight back since I had my band removed. We are not going to discuss how much, because it doesn't matter. I mean, in my imperfect little brain it matters, but I know it really doesn't. I'm healthier than I was when I started this journey. And if I put my mind to it, I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. Look, I like to eat ok? That's never going to change.

3) There is still talk of getting the band put back in. If I'm honest with myself, I'm leaning towards doing it. If I do, it won't be until after my second half marathon, which is in July.

4) I'm doing my second half marathon in July. Again with CCFA. Raising money to cure Crohns and Colitis. This year I am a mentor. You can give here. Trust me, deciding to do a half marathon doesn't get any easier the second time around. Although I'm pretty comfortable with doing up to 5 miles right now at a time, the thought of doubling that still scares the pants off me. I keep telling myself I did this last year 30 lbs heavier. And I did it. All that matters is I finish, and I know I can at least do that.

5) I have some pretty fanastic friends. I started with a book club this winter and met some girls who I never would have otherwise spent time with.

6) I'm starting to see that life isn't perfect for a number of people. I know it seems a little ridiculous that I had some ideal of people's lives that they never had any problems and they lived in happy fairytale townland. Not that I'm wishing problems on people all willy nilly, but it's kind of a relief to know that life isn't perfect, even for the perfect people.