Sunday, March 27, 2011

No clever title here

Struggles. Not snuggles. Struggles. Emotional ones. Let me try to figure out how to even put this into words....
Remember how my last post was about how I am in terrible need of compliments? I don't even think compliments are going to help me over this hump.
I feel like I've gone so far and yet I have so far yet to go. I never thought I would feel this hopeless again. I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my journey.
60 lbs lost.  And a million left to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's not true. But it feels like it.

Someone said on twitter the other day: "I have been eating like my old 238 lb self". This is a girl who is amazing. She started at that weight and is now running marathons and has lost 100 lbs. I realized that I'm just shy of what she started at. That kind of started my decline. I mean, to know that you have lost 60 lbs and are still just at a starting point. It's kind of upsetting. Then I saw some pictures of myself on Saturday and that was it. The decline was now fully engaged. I thought to myself, "If you look this fat now, imagine how you looked 60 lbs ago".

Putting this into words is more difficult to me than I thought it was going to be. I'm not sure I'm fully expressing how this feel. In reality, I've come so far. I know that in my head. To have gone from a size 24 to an 18 is a huge accomplishment. But, for some reason, I just feel like my world has been turned upside down again. I just feel like this is an impossible journey. I feel like those 60 lbs didn't matter. Ok I'm LESS fat than I was before, but still a big ol fatty mcgee. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

There will never be enough compliments

Seriously. I may go "Oh, you're making me blush, stop" and what I really mean is "Please please keep going, please feed my ego, please make me feel good about myself because I don't know how to do it on my own".

So...let's talk a little about me. I'm a natural red head (as you may or may not know). But I am. Here's a picture from when i was a kid. Yeah, I'm adorable, what can I say?
So anyways. I was teased through out grade school and high school for my red hair. I would suppose it stopped around the end of sophomore year right around...oh yeah, the time I began dying my hair to get rid of the red.
I was never the skinny blue eyed blond that caught the boys attention. What was sad, is looking back to my high school pictures, man I had a great figure. But, at the time, I thought I was fat. I suppose since my friends were a size 2 and I was a hefty size 10, that is probably when the body dysmorphia started. Where you look in the mirror and you see a completely distorted view of what you really look like.

That still happens. I've lost 60 lbs now. Trust me, I know when I say the following statement, I am going to sound crazy, but I don't see it. I look in the mirror and I see my chubby belly and my fat ass.
I've gotten "I can see it in your face, your face is so thin now"
"I can really tell, you look great"
"I've had numerous people say to me have you seen Nicole lately?" (My response, who exactly and what word for word did they say)
"I'm so jealous of you" (Me??? Really?)

I adore it when people tell me I'm pretty or cute or beautiful or that they can see a change. I shouldn't adore it as much as I do...because I should be happy with myself and not have to rely on that feeling.
Maybe at some point I'll get there...but for now, can you just please know that I need you to feed my ego and I need to feel beautiful and keep the compliments coming?

I'll owe you one.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Holy Wow

I haven't written in a long ass time. Just in case you were wondering, that's longer than a long time. It's similar to an assload. And really...that should really be a standard unit of measurement.
Anyways, so my weight hasn't budged. So that blows. I think it's probably time for another fill. Getting filled makes me nervous though. I am just so scared to be too tight. A few weeks ago I got sick...I am pretty sure I had a touch of the flu and it irritated my band. I was pretty down and out for the weekend. My band felt really funny and tight. Once I resigned myself to the fact that I had irritated the band and only ate soup and drank gatoraide, it felt better and I haven't had a problem since. So, because of that, it's just nerve wracking to me to get filled and worry that it will be too much. I felt miserable due to the sickness, but also I was really worried that something was wrong.

But, I suppose if I just tell the doctor that I want a small fill, he knows what he's doing. Well, I sure hope he does or I was screwed a long time ago.

In other news, I'm still doing Team Challenge. We've had one pre practice that I've gone to, and one that I've missed. This weekend is our first real practice. I'm enjoying it. The most I've been able to do at a time is 2.2 miles. That's really because I get super bored on the treadmill. I have gotten a book on tape (ipod) and I'm going to try that instead of music and see if I can push through a little longer. I'll let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Water wings anyone?

I'm probably the only one on the face of the planet that can go to an information meeting and leave in tears. I mean, there may be like one more crazy person out there like me, but I'm pretty sure that person has probably been institutionalized and put away for life.
Tonight, I went to an informational meeting for Team Challenge WI.
For those of you who don't know, it's a foundation that supports finding a cure for Chron's and Colitis, which my sister Kristin has. Team Challenge is the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation's endurance training and fundraising program. Through Team Challenge, you can run or walk a half marathon, train for a cycling event, or experience a sprint triathlon while helping to find a cure for Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, two chronic and often debilitating digestive diseases that impact 1.4 million Americans.

So, back to me...because we all know, everything is about me and the only reason I write this blog is so I have somewhere to put my narcissistic thoughts. I decided to do this for weight have some semblance of a training program that will force me to exercise and get healthy and not just rely on the lap band. It just so happened it was a win/win because it's a foundation for something my sister suffers from.

Rainbows and ponies and unicorns right? Should be. But here's where it gets all dark and harry potter like. See, the first thing I had to do was go to this meeting...BY MYSELF. I mean, I talked about putting myself out there, right? But, I just had to put it into action. It was all I could do to keep from running out of the room screaming "Don't look at me". (What? I never claimed NOT to have issues).
If you'll remember my previous blog post, it talked about the whole getting myself back, putting myself out there, making friends, and no longer hiding. In theory, that was a fantastic idea. Like, if they gave olympic gold medals for that shit, I'd be right up there winning. (Winning, duhhh). Ideas, however, have to be turned into plans. I've committed to something (which don't get me wrong, I WANTED to commit to),  but now there is all this other stuff out there. Now I have to make friends. Now I have to open myself up. What if people don't like me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail? I've been hiding behind weight and living like a hermit protecting myself for so long, making excuses about why I can't hang out with people, that the action of actually getting out there and meeting people and participating and putting myself out there, is A LOT scarier than I even expected it to be. I guess I didn't realize how utterly shattered my self esteem had become, even though I project such a hard shell.

I was talking to one of the mentors after the meeting, Jo, who I know a little through twitter and a little through beer and no sooner did I say, I'm glad I did this, but I'm really nervous, did the tears start to fall and I had to leave before anyone else could see. And good god, we all know I cry over everything, so it's not like it's something they won't see a million times in the future.

I didn't expect my weight loss journey to be so emotional. I guess I should stop expecting what it's going to be like, and just let it happen. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Emotional Rollercoaster

And not the fun kind. Well, for me, rollercoasters aren't fun anyways because I tend to vomit. So there's that.
I've been thinking alot lately about how gaining the weight affected me emotionally. It's funny because you don't realize how terribly it affects you until you're kind of out of the trenches. The bombs have been dropped, you're looking around at the aftermath, and you're going What the HELL just happened?
Who knew LOSING the weight was going to turn my life into a scene from Saving Private Ryan?

Now that I'm slowly but surely getting my self esteem back I realized what I've missed out on the past year. There have been chances to meet and get to know and forge some great relationships with people that I talk to via twitter...and I let them slip right through my hands.

Not because of them....but because of the crazy that lived in my head. (It's still there by the way, it's just decided to show it's face in a different form). Many of the thoughts that ran through my head were things like:

1) Don't go to places where you will see twitter friends in person...they don't know how fat you really are and once they see you the gig will be up (this leads to #2)

2) How could they possibly like you? Your personality is NOT awesome enough to outweigh the fat

3) And just so you know, if you DO go to any events or tweet ups, you WILL be the outcast

So...there you go, decision made. Do not leave the house. Stay on your couch. Hide behind the computer. Put up a wall and ACT TOUGH. Problem solved.

Except now...problem not solved. New problem created. Now that I've lost 60 lbs and counting, I realized what I've missed out on. I realized that I have my two best friends (who I wouldn't exchange for the world) and that's it. I realized that there are some GREAT people out there that I have missed forming bonds with and I have cheated myself out of book clubs, and bar visits, and dinners, and wine tasting, and girls nights, and just simply forming friendships and having FUN.

So now what? Now I hope people will give me a second chance. Now I hope that I can overcome the scaryness of trying to put myself out there when all of these people have already formed these bonds.
I might be even more scared now than I was when I was hiding behind the weight. But I promised myself my 30's were going to be the best years of my life. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I missed out....
The thought of doing that, putting myself out there, allowing people to get to know me, to see that I'm shy until I feel comfortable enough to open up...that's almost more scary than looking back and seeing that I did miss out...because the opportunity for failure is there.

And I don't want to fail.