Today. And tomorrow. But mostly today.

I never want to forget today. Never ever. It started out as kind of a sucky day. And quickly turned into the kind of day you never want to forget. I had a bad morning. Weighed myself and wasn't thrilled with the result. A few little pounds may seem like nothing to most of you, but to me, after losing 80 it is devistating and it sends me in a downward spiral. (There's a whole lotta crazy up here folks. A. Whole. Lot. Of. Crazy.) (I can't WAIT to have the band put back in) (I'm thinking August after the race) (OMG stop with the parentheses).

Anyways. Only 3.5 miles on the training plan today, but my body and mind, they were having none of it. My body just felt so heavy and didn't want to cooperate. It just so happens that, for the second training season in a row, my wonderful friend Noah showed up. Just when I needed him the most. (And, yes, I WAS singing Dolly Parton in my head when I wrote that.) We talked about fat kid syndrome, and how some of us always have that voice in our heads, and how we never see ourselves the way others see us. He reminded me that even those who have done marathons and ultra marathons and who are crazy ridiculous runners have bad days. And he said some wonderful and beautiful things about me that made me cry. In a good way. And he told me to be kind to myself.
And I am going to try. I can't promise anything, but I'm going to try.

Also, my coach, Darrell also happens to be a personal trainer. And he's going to help me. And I adore him for that. Getting some tools to help me while my regular tool (the band) is on vacation will help stop this downward spiral I mentioned. I know I can count on Darrell to keep me positive and to understand my limitations, my frustrations, and yet push me where I need to be pushed to.

In short, I remembered today that I have this amazing support system around me. And I never want to forget that again.

Yeah ok, maybe I'll really blog this time.

Every time I see my friend Angie post in her blog, I think that I should get back to blogging. And although this started out as a weightloss blog, I guess it doesn't really have to continue as JUST a weightloss blog. Writing always has helped me let things out a little in a way not even talking about things does. Why I continually stop doing it is beyond me. I think some of it has to do with not wanting to make public a lot of things that I actually should be writing about to clear my head.

So le's do some updating on things here, shall we?

1) I didn't win the lottery. Shocking, I know.

2) I have gained some weight back since I had my band removed. We are not going to discuss how much, because it doesn't matter. I mean, in my imperfect little brain it matters, but I know it really doesn't. I'm healthier than I was when I started this journey. And if I put my mind to it, I can figure out what I'm doing wrong. Look, I like to eat ok? That's never going to change.

3) There is still talk of getting the band put back in. If I'm honest with myself, I'm leaning towards doing it. If I do, it won't be until after my second half marathon, which is in July.

4) I'm doing my second half marathon in July. Again with CCFA. Raising money to cure Crohns and Colitis. This year I am a mentor. You can give here. Trust me, deciding to do a half marathon doesn't get any easier the second time around. Although I'm pretty comfortable with doing up to 5 miles right now at a time, the thought of doubling that still scares the pants off me. I keep telling myself I did this last year 30 lbs heavier. And I did it. All that matters is I finish, and I know I can at least do that.

5) I have some pretty fanastic friends. I started with a book club this winter and met some girls who I never would have otherwise spent time with.

6) I'm starting to see that life isn't perfect for a number of people. I know it seems a little ridiculous that I had some ideal of people's lives that they never had any problems and they lived in happy fairytale townland. Not that I'm wishing problems on people all willy nilly, but it's kind of a relief to know that life isn't perfect, even for the perfect people.

Epic Fail

It didn't get any easier today. I thought maybe crying myself to sleep last night would have emptied me out. Turns out you can cry buckets and then still cry some more.

Had my doctors appointment this morning to discuss "the plan". "The plan". I hate that. But, I hate everything right now, so, whatever.

He said that because the wedding was coming up in about four weeks it was ok to wait until afterwards for surgery to remove the band. He said this wasn't a life threatening situation. Especially because the only symptom I am having is the drainage.

It's so weird to me. According to Thinner Times, essentially, Lap-Band erosion is migration of the band through the stomach wall into the stomach. When the band erodes into the stomach, bacteria from the stomach enter into the capsule that mutually forms around the band. The infection then travels along the tubing into the pocket around the subcutaneous port. Thus many patients who develop erosion first notice pain, redness, and swelling in the vicinity of the access port. Another way that band migration presents is with loss of the band's restrictive effect. When the band erodes well into the stomach, food can bypass around the band. The patient can eat much more than before.

None of this fits me. No swelling. No problem with restriction. Had I not had the drainage, I probably wouldn't have even known this was happening.

Part of me wants to just get this all over with. Having to think about this and deal with this until the surgery on November 21st is probably not healthy for someone who has as many crazy tendencies and obsessive thoughts as I do. The problem is, they said they don't really know what is going on in there till they get inside. It may take a lot more healing than we are expecting and I certainly don't want anything to mess with the wedding I've been planning for a year and a half.

Also, the crazy in me says "perfect. a little over a month before they remove the band gives you more time to lose more weight". Never mind there is a hole growing in my stomach, right?

This is how you know you are crazy. You don't care you're leaking from your belly button. You don't care that you're basically getting an ulcer (for all intensive purposes). All you care about is that the band is getting removed and JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF YOU GAIN?

My mom said to me, my best friend said to me, the dietician said to me, the doctor said to me "GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. You've lost 86 lbs since December and I can introduce you to 5 lapband patients that have had it for a year and have lost only 10 lbs. THE BAND DIDN'T DO THIS. YOU DID. You, Nicole, made good choices. You, Nicole, changed your eating habits and completed a half marathon. NOT THE BAND."

I can't accept that right now. I simply, just can't.

Surprise!

Leave it to me to have a complication. I'm in a really bad place right now.

I had an upper GI today and it showed band erosion. This means I will need to have the lap band completely removed. The band has eroded into my stomach lining. From doing research online, there seems to be a bunch of theories about why this happens. Some say it's from the band being too tight. Some say it is from the damage that is done to the stomach lining during surgery, making the lining weak.
And surprise! It happens in less than 2% of patients. Yeah that's right. LESS THAN TWO PERCENT. But, of course, it happens to me.

I meet with my doctor tomorrow morning to discuss options and when I'll have the band removed. He thinks we can wait till after the wedding on November 12th.
From talking with the nurse today, she said that we let things heal and then put a new lap band in. (Or , from my research online today, possibly I choose a different type of surgery. Maybe the gastric sleeve?) The research I've done online says normal healing time is 6-8 months. I know I really have to wait to discuss things with him tomorrow.

I have lost 85 lbs.
My guess? They remove the band and I gain 85 lbs. I mean I clearly wasn't able to do this on my own before. Hence why I had to have the surgery. I was told today that I'm placing too much stock in the band. I needed the band in the first place for a reason.
They take the band out and what's left? Me on my own.
Houston....we have a problem.

Who Moved My Cheese?

I'm not quite sure where to start with this. We received a book in our all hands meeting last week that I'm actually surprised I've never read before.
It's called Who Moved My Cheese, by Spencer Johnson, M.D. It's all about change in your workplace and how to deal, but it's very simplified.
It's the story of two mice and two "littlepeople", who, in their daily maze get used to finding cheese where they have found it every day. Then, one day, it's gone.
I'm having a hard time with this book and my emotions relating to my job. There's been a lot of changes lately...new title, new responsibilities, new management...things that I don't feel are "right" or how things SHOULD be done.
In the book, Hem and Haw, the "littlepeople", discuss how they deserve their cheese. How they have worked hard for THEIR cheese. Hem said they were entitled to their cheese and how dare someone move it, change things, when they have worked so hard.

That's how I've been feeling lately. I'm not the boss. This is MY company. And there are MANY other people higher up than me. But you know what? The past six years I've given my blood, sweat, and tears for this department and this company, and yes, I DO feel entitled to be upset about the changes and feel like these people just aren't doing things right. I feel entitled to feel that if I've given so much, and now these changes are happenng, I've just wasted all that blood, sweat, and tears.

I feel like this book is about being afraid of change. I'm not afraid of change, I've never been afraid of change. I think change is good, I think it helps people learn, and I think it can make things better. My problem is I don't think THIS change is good. So, I pose the question....at what point do you accept change, because it's change and your superiors say, this change is coming deal with it? If you aren't fighting the change just because it's change, but you're fighting the change because you don't think it's the RIGHT change, does Who Moved My Cheese really apply? At what point do you resign to the change, because you can't change what the "superiors" have to say and do even if you don't believe in it?

I don't have the answers...do you?

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I keep saying I'm going to keep up better with this blog. Then I write one post and I forget about it.
I'm the queen of hit it and quit it apparantly.

A friend of mine sent me her blog today and it brought tears to my eyes. And I remembered what a release, what a relief it was to write. She has made the decision, like I did 70 lbs ago, to have bariatric surgery. I see so much of her in myself. I think those of us with weight issues have an unwritten sisterhood. We kind of just "get it". We understand all those feelings of inadequacy and hurt without having to say a word.
If you care to read her blog as she starts her journey its Here

I still have those feelings. I'm nowhere near overcoming them. But, I can say it is getting better. This past week I've heard "OMG you are really slimming down", "Your face is so thin", "What are you doing that you are looking so great?"
That's nice to hear. I am starting to recognize in myself the 70 lbs gone. I know that's kind of strange for people to understand. I just always see myself as the fat kid. It's just the way it goes. I tried on my wedding dress last weekend and for the first time thought "Wow, I'm really looking good". It was a nice feeling.

I have a few more goals to hit. I'm not sure if any of them will ever get me to the point where I'm completely satisfied, but I'm going to try.
I've got 26 lbs to go before I can officially say I am under 200. I honestly never thought I would ever see the number I am at right now, much less get under 200. So that's going to be a huge accomplishment for me.
The other goal I will hit probably before that one is my half marathon. That is happening July 17th in Napa. I'm walking it, but whoever would have even thought I would walk 13.1 miles.

I'm really happy that my journey has inspired someone. Like I said, I thought about keeping this whole journey a secret. But then I wondered what good would that do? This is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone needs help at different times in their lives, and everyone needs help in different forms. This is a form that is right for me, my friend, and many other people.
I look forward to her journey as well as the rest of mine.

Cottage cheese violation

I am officially sick to death of cottage cheese. Look, I know cottage cheese isn't REALLY cheese, but I'm lumping it in this category anyways. It has cheese in the name for Christ's sake.

I'm really sick of cottage cheese. Like, so sick that if I see one more tiny white curd I may go all Godzilla on whatever is near by. Hopefully it's not a tiny village of pygmies or the Keebler Elf tree. I'd hate to be responsible for the demise of those things.

I have a small tub of cottage cheese sitting here at work next to my keyboard. It's my lunch. I was excited as I grabbed it from the fridge. My mouth was watering as I opened the top. Then I stuck my spoon in it and I looked at the container in disdain as if to say to it "I will kill you cottage cheese". And I thought, woah. What was that? I usually eat 2-3 little cottage cheeses a day. (Even the words cottage cheese is making my rage flag fly for some reason.)
So I dismissed it and I stuck my spoon in the container. The weirdest thing happened. As I was bringing the spoon to my mouth, all slow motion movie like, my face contorted and in my head I could hear "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo", but the spoon went in my mouth anyways. And then. There was silence.
The cottage cheese violated me and went down into my belly.

And now, I'm sitting here rocking back and forth wondering what I'm going to do with my lovely snack I enjoyed so much for so long and how it could have turned on me.
I hope you're happy now cottage cheese. We're on a break. We're in a fight.
Off to find a new snack....