When the pain needs somewhere to go...

...I usually turn to writing. That's why my posts are so few and far between. I always say I'm going to keep up with this blog. And yet, when the good times roll, the blog dwindles.

Keeping right in tune with that, I have had a gut wrenching 24 hours. It appears the tears have dried up for now. Yesterday I had to put my beloved cat Ellie down.

She has been with me since the end of my freshman year of college. She's been there through the ups and downs and the tears and excitement. She's been a constant through many years of uncertainty.
One day, at the end of April, I had been gone for a week and came home to a different cat. She was thin. Over the past month there had been a quick decline. She stopped eating. She started staying under my bed, only coming out occasionally. The vet did a complete workup and all of her blood work and xrays came back normal. And then she started vomiting blood clots. It was rare at first and then over the past week it became horrifyingly regular. Yesterday, it happened again and I could see how very weak she had become. She needed to rest walking 5 feet to the water dish. I called the vet and said that something wasn't right...he said they would do more tests but the outcome was most likely not going to be good. I knew then that it was time.

They speculated that it was a hemorrhage due to some kind of GI cancer. He said that there just wasn't a treatment. There was nothing they could do for her any longer. I could tell she was tired. She was exhausted and I could see it in her face. And her life was no longer enjoyable. In fact, I hadn't heard her purr in the longest time.

I got to spend time with her before they sedated her. We snuggled. I told her how very special and loved she was. I told her I knew she was tired. She purred the whole time she was in my arms. And I think she was saying thank you. I choose to believe she was telling me it was ok. She fell asleep on my chest and wrapped in my arms, held tight by my love.

I am heart broken. I am sick with grief. I know in my head that she needed this. That it was only going to get worse from here and the chance for her to be in pain was too high. I could not put her through that. I know in my head that she went peacefully and surrounded by the person that loved her the most. And that it was the best way for her to go. But my heart...my heart just doesn't understand. My heart has lost it's companion. My heart is shattered.

I know with time the pain will lessen. But I will always crave the way her fur felt and the sound of her purr. I will always crave the pitiful little meow she gave when she knew there was tuna in her future, like she hadn't eaten for  years. I will always crave the way she slapped the other cats around like it was offensive for them to be in her vicinity. She was MY cat. She didn't much care for anyone but me. We are loners, my Ellie and I. And I think she and I preferred it that way.