Monday, April 11, 2011

I could vomit

No really. I could. Figuratively and literally. Wait. How do you figuratively vomit? I don't know. My head so confused with words I don't know what I'm saying.

I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride every day. That's not getting much better. I have super highs and super lows. I need to start taking my anti depressants again I think. I stopped them as I started losing weight because I was feeling so much better about myself. But I think, now, as I start what I am calling the "2nd leg of my journey" (which almost feels scarily close to the beginnning of this whole process), I feel like maybe I need them.

I had a great Team Challenge practice yesterday. I love walking with Chrysa because we're the same. She has asthma, I have asthma. We both can't run very far. I started to tear up a little yesterday because I wanted so desperately to be able to jog more than I could but I couldn't catch my breath, my lungs felt like an elephant was sitting on them. It's frustrating to want to do more but physically not be able to. She said "Everyone has to start somewhere, the point is you're starting. Just do what you can". Which of course made it hard for me to hold back the water works, because as we all know, I tend to fill pools with how much I cry.
After we were done I was feeling great. My knee was sore, which, to be honest, I'm surprised it took this long to act up. The last ACL replacement I had was from a cadaver. I like to call him Fritz. Fritz isn't doing his job very well. Just sayin.
So then I had volleyball in the afternoon. Felt good till I saw a picture of myself. I think I'm just not going to allow pictures to be taken of me. Ever. That's when I start to get really weepy. When the "this is impossible" thoughts start coming back into my head. It helps me to be able to write this out and get the crazy out of my head, but not much.

When I see pictures of myself, it's like this protective shell appears around me. I revert back to how I was 60 lbs ago. I don't want anyone to look at me, I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to hang out...I start thinking of excuses to have handy in case someone asks me to do something. It's instantaneous. Fighting that is like Ralph Macchio fighting the dudes from Cobra Kai. I totally want to sweep the leg. I just don't know how.

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