I'm probably the only one on the face of the planet that can go to an information meeting and leave in tears. I mean, there may be like one more crazy person out there like me, but I'm pretty sure that person has probably been institutionalized and put away for life.
Tonight, I went to an informational meeting for Team Challenge WI.
For those of you who don't know, it's a foundation that supports finding a cure for Chron's and Colitis, which my sister Kristin has. Team Challenge is the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation's endurance training and fundraising program. Through Team Challenge, you can run or walk a half marathon, train for a cycling event, or experience a sprint triathlon while helping to find a cure for Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, two chronic and often debilitating digestive diseases that impact 1.4 million Americans.
So, back to me...because we all know, everything is about me and the only reason I write this blog is so I have somewhere to put my narcissistic thoughts. I decided to do this for weight loss...to have some semblance of a training program that will force me to exercise and get healthy and not just rely on the lap band. It just so happened it was a win/win because it's a foundation for something my sister suffers from.
Rainbows and ponies and unicorns right? Should be. But here's where it gets all dark and harry potter like. See, the first thing I had to do was go to this meeting...BY MYSELF. I mean, I talked about putting myself out there, right? But, I just had to put it into action. It was all I could do to keep from running out of the room screaming "Don't look at me". (What? I never claimed NOT to have issues).
If you'll remember my previous blog post, it talked about the whole getting myself back, putting myself out there, making friends, and no longer hiding. In theory, that was a fantastic idea. Like, if they gave olympic gold medals for that shit, I'd be right up there winning. (Winning, duhhh). Ideas, however, have to be turned into plans.
So...now I've committed to something (which don't get me wrong, I WANTED to commit to), but now there is all this other stuff out there. Now I have to make friends. Now I have to open myself up. What if people don't like me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail? I've been hiding behind weight and living like a hermit protecting myself for so long, making excuses about why I can't hang out with people, that the action of actually getting out there and meeting people and participating and putting myself out there, is A LOT scarier than I even expected it to be. I guess I didn't realize how utterly shattered my self esteem had become, even though I project such a hard shell.
I was talking to one of the mentors after the meeting, Jo, who I know a little through twitter and a little through beer and no sooner did I say, I'm glad I did this, but I'm really nervous, did the tears start to fall and I had to leave before anyone else could see. And good god, we all know I cry over everything, so it's not like it's something they won't see a million times in the future.
I didn't expect my weight loss journey to be so emotional. I guess I should stop expecting what it's going to be like, and just let it happen.