Friday, October 14, 2011

Epic Fail

It didn't get any easier today. I thought maybe crying myself to sleep last night would have emptied me out. Turns out you can cry buckets and then still cry some more.

Had my doctors appointment this morning to discuss "the plan". "The plan". I hate that. But, I hate everything right now, so, whatever.

He said that because the wedding was coming up in about four weeks it was ok to wait until afterwards for surgery to remove the band. He said this wasn't a life threatening situation. Especially because the only symptom I am having is the drainage.

It's so weird to me. According to Thinner Times, essentially, Lap-Band erosion is migration of the band through the stomach wall into the stomach. When the band erodes into the stomach, bacteria from the stomach enter into the capsule that mutually forms around the band. The infection then travels along the tubing into the pocket around the subcutaneous port. Thus many patients who develop erosion first notice pain, redness, and swelling in the vicinity of the access port. Another way that band migration presents is with loss of the band's restrictive effect. When the band erodes well into the stomach, food can bypass around the band. The patient can eat much more than before.

None of this fits me. No swelling. No problem with restriction. Had I not had the drainage, I probably wouldn't have even known this was happening.

Part of me wants to just get this all over with. Having to think about this and deal with this until the surgery on November 21st is probably not healthy for someone who has as many crazy tendencies and obsessive thoughts as I do. The problem is, they said they don't really know what is going on in there till they get inside. It may take a lot more healing than we are expecting and I certainly don't want anything to mess with the wedding I've been planning for a year and a half.

Also, the crazy in me says "perfect. a little over a month before they remove the band gives you more time to lose more weight". Never mind there is a hole growing in my stomach, right?

This is how you know you are crazy. You don't care you're leaking from your belly button. You don't care that you're basically getting an ulcer (for all intensive purposes). All you care about is that the band is getting removed and JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF YOU GAIN?

My mom said to me, my best friend said to me, the dietician said to me, the doctor said to me "GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. You've lost 86 lbs since December and I can introduce you to 5 lapband patients that have had it for a year and have lost only 10 lbs. THE BAND DIDN'T DO THIS. YOU DID. You, Nicole, made good choices. You, Nicole, changed your eating habits and completed a half marathon. NOT THE BAND."

I can't accept that right now. I simply, just can't.


  1. Oh God, this is my worst fear! I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Not sure if you follow Jen over at "It IS all about me" but she had the same thing happen and blogged a lot about her feelings, grief, loss, etc. It might be helpful for you to read as you go through this.
    Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way!

  2. Oh Nicole! It is every bandsters fear. But you did lose the weight and you have learned how to eat properly. Not that it helps with the grief but I am sending good thoughts your way!

  3. I am so sorry to hear about this complication for you-- but from just perusing your blog, it does look like you've put quite a lot into your efforts to lose weight.
    Has your doc discussed OTHER surgical options with you? Like maybe the gastric sleeve or even a bypass if you are so concerned that you'll gain the weight back.
    I agree that if I lost my band, no matter what I tried, I would probably gain the weight back-- so I do understand your fears.
    But don't give up, I am sure there will be further options for you...

  4. Hi Nicole - new follower. I'm so sorry to hear about this, it must be very frightening. Stay strong and positive. You can do this!

  5. I want to give you some hugs-- Lap Band Girl sent me your way. I can only imagine your fear, anxiety, and sense of loss because it is what I will feel if this ever happens to me. It doesn't sound like you're ready to concentrate on your strengths right now and that's ok-- that will come. For now, let yourself feel the loss and then when it's time to move on, you'll be able to do so.

  6. just wanted to say again that I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I'm just a few clicks away if you are needing any support... it is hard, but I am doing okay so far! It is okay to be sad, it is okay to cry your self to sleep, and it is okay to wonder why this happened to you. I'm going to try to revise to the sleeve, I'll be blogging about it too. Jacquie "Can't wait to Lose it!" revised from band to sleeve, you might find her blog helpful in making a decision about what you want to do next.

  7. Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I never had a band, but like Jacquie, I have a sleeve, so check me out if you're interested. I lost 35 pounds before my sleeve, and 20+ pounds since my surgery in July. Despite making changes before surgery (and after) I KNOW I could not have gotten to my current weight without help. So I understand where you're coming from feeling like you need the help. Those people are right in the fact that YOU lost the weight. YOU ran a 1/2 marathon. For me, I could not have lost weight without the sleeve to help me. Certainly, my sleeve does not drag itself to the gym 4-5 times a week, and the sleeve does not choose protein over carbs, etc BUT....It took both of us...

  8. Chica you will be fine, better than fine you will be great! Like everyone said. You did do this, I am hoping to be half as successful as you with my journey. You have built new habits whether you notice it or not. And while it takes 30 days to form a new habit, you have had a whole year, almost, of practice.

    Now for other important items, no way you can move your surgery to the Monday after your wedding so we can be hospital neighbors?

  9. Nicole,

    I hope your surgery on the 21st went well. Congrats on the 86 lb loss!

    I'm also writing to ask you to post/email about my doctoral dissertation. While it's hard losing weight on your own, it's not necessarily easier with a spouse or partner. Sometimes partners/spouses undermine weight loss through acts like complaining about healthier food, gifting high-caloric foods, or even through abusive language/acts. I'm creating an anonymous, online survey to assess for partner undermining and to learn more from those who experience it.

    To be eligible to take the survey, participants need to have experienced this in their current relationship (of at least the past 2 years), and have been participating in a weight loss program for the past 5 consecutive weeks. For more info, see