Emotional Rollercoaster

And not the fun kind. Well, for me, rollercoasters aren't fun anyways because I tend to vomit. So there's that.
I've been thinking alot lately about how gaining the weight affected me emotionally. It's funny because you don't realize how terribly it affects you until you're kind of out of the trenches. The bombs have been dropped, you're looking around at the aftermath, and you're going What the HELL just happened?
Who knew LOSING the weight was going to turn my life into a scene from Saving Private Ryan?

Now that I'm slowly but surely getting my self esteem back I realized what I've missed out on the past year. There have been chances to meet and get to know and forge some great relationships with people that I talk to via twitter...and I let them slip right through my hands.

Not because of them....but because of the crazy that lived in my head. (It's still there by the way, it's just decided to show it's face in a different form). Many of the thoughts that ran through my head were things like:

1) Don't go to places where you will see twitter friends in person...they don't know how fat you really are and once they see you the gig will be up (this leads to #2)

2) How could they possibly like you? Your personality is NOT awesome enough to outweigh the fat

3) And just so you know, if you DO go to any events or tweet ups, you WILL be the outcast

So...there you go, decision made. Do not leave the house. Stay on your couch. Hide behind the computer. Put up a wall and ACT TOUGH. Problem solved.

Except now...problem not solved. New problem created. Now that I've lost 60 lbs and counting, I realized what I've missed out on. I realized that I have my two best friends (who I wouldn't exchange for the world) and that's it. I realized that there are some GREAT people out there that I have missed forming bonds with and I have cheated myself out of book clubs, and bar visits, and dinners, and wine tasting, and girls nights, and just simply forming friendships and having FUN.

So now what? Now I hope people will give me a second chance. Now I hope that I can overcome the scaryness of trying to put myself out there when all of these people have already formed these bonds.
I might be even more scared now than I was when I was hiding behind the weight. But I promised myself my 30's were going to be the best years of my life. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I missed out....
The thought of doing that, putting myself out there, allowing people to get to know me, to see that I'm shy until I feel comfortable enough to open up...that's almost more scary than looking back and seeing that I did miss out...because the opportunity for failure is there.

And I don't want to fail.

Smarter than the average bear

Yeah. That. That's what's up. I'm the awesome.

I went to the doctor for a slight fill today. I just needed a small tweak so I didn't get over filled. But I was weighed in and then the nurse looked at me and said "Wow. You have lost close to 60 lbs since December. You are way above average for what most people lose".

Yeah bitches. I win. I don't know who I was competing against, but it doesn't matter because I won.

In other news, have I mentioned I've lost almost 60 lbs? I actually wore a size 16 pants to work today. I'm in shock and awe. Everytime I try on an old piece of clothing that I never thought I would get back into I want to run around the neighborhood and scream. I imagine the police would be called, but it would probably be worth it.

In the past two weeks I have had about 4 people come up to me and tell me that I was looking awesome. Today someone came up to me and said "Ok, what is your secret?" and I flat out told her without hesitation. I want people to know what I did. I want people to know that it was the best decision of my life. I want people to know our insurance covers it 100%. I want people to not be afraid like I was. I want to hold someone's hand through it. I want people to have the feelings that I've been feeling. I want people to get their confidence back.

Speaking of confidence, it's amazing how much I've gotten back. It was getting to the point where I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to leave my house....and now I can't wait to get back out there again.

Have I mentioned I win? Because I do.

Suck it, Fat

I tried on some old jeans I had saved this weekend. You know the ones...the ones you suddenly can't button, but they are so comfortable you can't bear to get rid of them even though you figure you will never fit into them again even if you had a crane on each side helping you pull them closed. (Oh hey run on sentence).

I was going through my drawers and I thought, hey, I feel like being depressed. Let's try these on and see how long I have to go to fit into them.
But.....to my surprise, I was able to button them. AND zip them. And then I got all crazy like and decided to try on my hooded sweatshirt from Ireland that I couldn't fit into (hey Europe make some normal sizes, will ya?) And lo and behold that fit too! It was like I was on some crazy acid trip!!! (Actually probably not, I have no idea what an acid trip feels like, my guess not this).

So I'm officially in a size 18. 4 lbs away from having lost 50 lbs total. Someone at work told me yesterday I was lookin good...it's been a good week so far.

Now...I must focus on getting myself to the gym. I HAVE to start making it a priority.

Royal Flush

So yesterday I wrote about my wonderful "productive" experience. All day after that, I felt like something wasn't right. About 8pm last night, when I tried to have some water and it came right back up, I realized I was stuck.
That's a downright freaky ass feeling, I'm telling you. Like 1, 2 Freddy's coming for you freaky. Like the Halloween theme song all of a sudden playing out of no where freaky.

I started to panic, so naturally, I turned to the interwebs to fix things. The interwebs know everything.

There were many suggestions out there: papaya enzymes, pineapple juice etc...however, the suggestion that I found that I actually had in my house was lemon juice, gulping very hot water, and downward facing dog. 

Now look. I'm not condoning this for people who want to eat too much consistantly and then abuse their band. BUT. If you have an "accident" like I did and get something stuck, the above was like a miracle cure.
I had about 3 swigs of lemon juice, half a cup of hot lemon tea, and then went in the bathroom and did downward facing dog yoga pose and it almost immediately all came up, along with the chicken sausage that was stuck.

It was a miracle. I was in the bathroom yelling HALLELUJAH and Nils thought I was on crack.
But it worked. That's all that matters. And I learned my lesson. I don't ever want that feeling again. 

Have a productive kind of day!

Yikes. Well THAT wasn't pleasant. I just had my first experience with "productive burping". I think it's hysterical that it got named that. Who was the first person that called it that? Let's just call a chicken a chicken and a duck a duck people. It's throwing up, upchucking, losing your lunch, blowing gravy, etc etc.

I had some chicken sausage for lunch. I either ate too quickly or didn't chew enough...or probably a combination of both. I can always tell when I've done that. My chest gets tight and hurty and I actually get a headache on the right side of my head. There must be some weird nerve or something that connects my "you ate too much" button to my head. I've never had it go this far though. I was sitting at my desk and it started to hurt. Then you know what happens when you like salivate when you're about to nom on something awesome? You get that extra saliva thing going on? That's what happened and I was like "THERE SHE BLOWS!!!"

So I ran to the bathroom and let it all out.
It felt better, but I don't want to do that again. It's not fun. Plus chicken sausage doesn't look so awesome the second time.

Stagnant

Not moving. Still. Hasn't budged. The same. Motionless. Immobile.
That would be the scale. I'm stuck at 244. So...here's the thing...remember that last post where I was all "Everytime I worked out in the past I stopped losing weight"? Um. Oh hey there scale. How come you aren't moving?

Ok, so in reality, this has happened a couple times. I've lost a big chunk and then I've seen the scale hold for a little while. Which is normal. I know my body is taking time to catch up to what's going on.

But I can't help but go into full on panic mode. Like there's a fire and my dog is stuck under the bed. Or I went on a shopping spree and spent all my money and now I can't pay my rent. Or, wait...do I want two pink lines or one???? TWO OR ONE DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

I thought it would calm my fears to go to the gym tonight but then I forgot my shoes at home. I suppose I can't go work on the elliptical in my leopard print heels, hey?

Firey Death by Gym

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yep. That about sums it up.

I was on the eliptical for a excrutiating 30 minutes and then lifted some weights. I expect that I will be sore tomorrow which will make me even more irritated about the gym. This morning I weighed in at 245. I'm a little worried that now that I've changed it up...the weight loss is going to stop. You know how it is, past predicts how you react to the future. Usually what happens is I work out and I don't lose weight...but I'm sure it's because I would always eat more. You have that internal monologue that says because I'm working out I can eat more.
(Side note: I just need to say that something fricken STINKS in my house. I thinnk it might be this protein shake that has been sitting here for a week)
Anyways, as nervous as I am that now my weight loss is going to stall, I'm excited about the possibility of the band helping with that. I still almost never get hungry, so I was not ravished when I came home from working out tonight.
High hopes people, high hopes.

I still hate working out. And I'm pretty sure the devil created gyms. My guess would be hell is entirely made up of treadmills. Just sayin.