Emotional Rollercoaster

And not the fun kind. Well, for me, rollercoasters aren't fun anyways because I tend to vomit. So there's that.
I've been thinking alot lately about how gaining the weight affected me emotionally. It's funny because you don't realize how terribly it affects you until you're kind of out of the trenches. The bombs have been dropped, you're looking around at the aftermath, and you're going What the HELL just happened?
Who knew LOSING the weight was going to turn my life into a scene from Saving Private Ryan?

Now that I'm slowly but surely getting my self esteem back I realized what I've missed out on the past year. There have been chances to meet and get to know and forge some great relationships with people that I talk to via twitter...and I let them slip right through my hands.

Not because of them....but because of the crazy that lived in my head. (It's still there by the way, it's just decided to show it's face in a different form). Many of the thoughts that ran through my head were things like:

1) Don't go to places where you will see twitter friends in person...they don't know how fat you really are and once they see you the gig will be up (this leads to #2)

2) How could they possibly like you? Your personality is NOT awesome enough to outweigh the fat

3) And just so you know, if you DO go to any events or tweet ups, you WILL be the outcast

So...there you go, decision made. Do not leave the house. Stay on your couch. Hide behind the computer. Put up a wall and ACT TOUGH. Problem solved.

Except now...problem not solved. New problem created. Now that I've lost 60 lbs and counting, I realized what I've missed out on. I realized that I have my two best friends (who I wouldn't exchange for the world) and that's it. I realized that there are some GREAT people out there that I have missed forming bonds with and I have cheated myself out of book clubs, and bar visits, and dinners, and wine tasting, and girls nights, and just simply forming friendships and having FUN.

So now what? Now I hope people will give me a second chance. Now I hope that I can overcome the scaryness of trying to put myself out there when all of these people have already formed these bonds.
I might be even more scared now than I was when I was hiding behind the weight. But I promised myself my 30's were going to be the best years of my life. I don't want to look back on my life and feel like I missed out....
The thought of doing that, putting myself out there, allowing people to get to know me, to see that I'm shy until I feel comfortable enough to open up...that's almost more scary than looking back and seeing that I did miss out...because the opportunity for failure is there.

And I don't want to fail.