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My body is ANGRY

You won't like it when it's angry. I made it do the plank position like 56 times yesterday. Or 2. Either or.

So, you know the pesky half marathon I'm training for. That.
I was thinking today. What if I can't do this? What if this was a crazy town idea? I kind of woke up one day and went hey...I should do this. I didn't think about it...I kind of just jumped into it. And I opened my big mouth about it too. Instead of being all James Bond and secret agent like I went HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT I'M DOING...and now...what if I fail?
Maybe I should have started off smaller...like making paper airplanes for fun or something?

Nah. I'll be fine. I know I just have to build up to it. *rocking in a corner while I say that*

I could vomit

No really. I could. Figuratively and literally. Wait. How do you figuratively vomit? I don't know. My head so confused with words I don't know what I'm saying.

I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster ride every day. That's not getting much better. I have super highs and super lows. I need to start taking my anti depressants again I think. I stopped them as I started losing weight because I was feeling so much better about myself. But I think, now, as I start what I am calling the "2nd leg of my journey" (which almost feels scarily close to the beginnning of this whole process), I feel like maybe I need them.

I had a great Team Challenge practice yesterday. I love walking with Chrysa because we're the same. She has asthma, I have asthma. We both can't run very far. I started to tear up a little yesterday because I wanted so desperately to be able to jog more than I could but I couldn't catch my breath, my lungs felt like an elephant was sitting on them. It's frustrating to want to do more but physically not be able to. She said "Everyone has to start somewhere, the point is you're starting. Just do what you can". Which of course made it hard for me to hold back the water works, because as we all know, I tend to fill pools with how much I cry.
After we were done I was feeling great. My knee was sore, which, to be honest, I'm surprised it took this long to act up. The last ACL replacement I had was from a cadaver. I like to call him Fritz. Fritz isn't doing his job very well. Just sayin.
So then I had volleyball in the afternoon. Felt good till I saw a picture of myself. I think I'm just not going to allow pictures to be taken of me. Ever. That's when I start to get really weepy. When the "this is impossible" thoughts start coming back into my head. It helps me to be able to write this out and get the crazy out of my head, but not much.

When I see pictures of myself, it's like this protective shell appears around me. I revert back to how I was 60 lbs ago. I don't want anyone to look at me, I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to hang out...I start thinking of excuses to have handy in case someone asks me to do something. It's instantaneous. Fighting that is like Ralph Macchio fighting the dudes from Cobra Kai. I totally want to sweep the leg. I just don't know how.

No clever title here

Struggles. Not snuggles. Struggles. Emotional ones. Let me try to figure out how to even put this into words....
Remember how my last post was about how I am in terrible need of compliments? I don't even think compliments are going to help me over this hump.
I feel like I've gone so far and yet I have so far yet to go. I never thought I would feel this hopeless again. I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my journey.
60 lbs lost.  And a million left to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's not true. But it feels like it.

Someone said on twitter the other day: "I have been eating like my old 238 lb self". This is a girl who is amazing. She started at that weight and is now running marathons and has lost 100 lbs. I realized that I'm just shy of what she started at. That kind of started my decline. I mean, to know that you have lost 60 lbs and are still just at a starting point. It's kind of upsetting. Then I saw some pictures of myself on Saturday and that was it. The decline was now fully engaged. I thought to myself, "If you look this fat now, imagine how you looked 60 lbs ago".

Putting this into words is more difficult to me than I thought it was going to be. I'm not sure I'm fully expressing how this feel. In reality, I've come so far. I know that in my head. To have gone from a size 24 to an 18 is a huge accomplishment. But, for some reason, I just feel like my world has been turned upside down again. I just feel like this is an impossible journey. I feel like those 60 lbs didn't matter. Ok great...now I'm LESS fat than I was before, but still a big ol fatty mcgee. 

There will never be enough compliments

Seriously. I may go "Oh, you're making me blush, stop" and what I really mean is "Please please keep going, please feed my ego, please make me feel good about myself because I don't know how to do it on my own".

So...let's talk a little about me. I'm a natural red head (as you may or may not know). But I am. Here's a picture from when i was a kid. Yeah, I'm adorable, what can I say?
So anyways. I was teased through out grade school and high school for my red hair. I would suppose it stopped around the end of sophomore year right around...oh yeah, the time I began dying my hair to get rid of the red.
I was never the skinny blue eyed blond that caught the boys attention. What was sad, is looking back to my high school pictures, man I had a great figure. But, at the time, I thought I was fat. I suppose since my friends were a size 2 and I was a hefty size 10, that is probably when the body dysmorphia started. Where you look in the mirror and you see a completely distorted view of what you really look like.

That still happens. I've lost 60 lbs now. Trust me, I know when I say the following statement, I am going to sound crazy, but I don't see it. I look in the mirror and I see my chubby belly and my fat ass.
I've gotten "I can see it in your face, your face is so thin now"
"I can really tell, you look great"
"I've had numerous people say to me have you seen Nicole lately?" (My response, who exactly and what word for word did they say)
"I'm so jealous of you" (Me??? Really?)

I adore it when people tell me I'm pretty or cute or beautiful or that they can see a change. I shouldn't adore it as much as I do...because I should be happy with myself and not have to rely on that feeling.
Maybe at some point I'll get there...but for now, can you just please know that I need you to feed my ego and I need to feel beautiful and keep the compliments coming?

I'll owe you one.

Holy Wow

I haven't written in a long ass time. Just in case you were wondering, that's longer than a long time. It's similar to an assload. And really...that should really be a standard unit of measurement.
Anyways, so my weight hasn't budged. So that blows. I think it's probably time for another fill. Getting filled makes me nervous though. I am just so scared to be too tight. A few weeks ago I got sick...I am pretty sure I had a touch of the flu and it irritated my band. I was pretty down and out for the weekend. My band felt really funny and tight. Once I resigned myself to the fact that I had irritated the band and only ate soup and drank gatoraide, it felt better and I haven't had a problem since. So, because of that, it's just nerve wracking to me to get filled and worry that it will be too much. I felt miserable due to the sickness, but also I was really worried that something was wrong.

But, I suppose if I just tell the doctor that I want a small fill, he knows what he's doing. Well, I sure hope he does or I was screwed a long time ago.

In other news, I'm still doing Team Challenge. We've had one pre practice that I've gone to, and one that I've missed. This weekend is our first real practice. I'm enjoying it. The most I've been able to do at a time is 2.2 miles. That's really because I get super bored on the treadmill. I have gotten a book on tape (ipod) and I'm going to try that instead of music and see if I can push through a little longer. I'll let you know how it goes.

Water wings anyone?

I'm probably the only one on the face of the planet that can go to an information meeting and leave in tears. I mean, there may be like one more crazy person out there like me, but I'm pretty sure that person has probably been institutionalized and put away for life.
Tonight, I went to an informational meeting for Team Challenge WI.
http://www.ccteamchallenge.org/Teams/Wisconsin_Chapter.htm
For those of you who don't know, it's a foundation that supports finding a cure for Chron's and Colitis, which my sister Kristin has. Team Challenge is the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation's endurance training and fundraising program. Through Team Challenge, you can run or walk a half marathon, train for a cycling event, or experience a sprint triathlon while helping to find a cure for Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis, two chronic and often debilitating digestive diseases that impact 1.4 million Americans.

So, back to me...because we all know, everything is about me and the only reason I write this blog is so I have somewhere to put my narcissistic thoughts. I decided to do this for weight loss...to have some semblance of a training program that will force me to exercise and get healthy and not just rely on the lap band. It just so happened it was a win/win because it's a foundation for something my sister suffers from.

Rainbows and ponies and unicorns right? Should be. But here's where it gets all dark and harry potter like. See, the first thing I had to do was go to this meeting...BY MYSELF. I mean, I talked about putting myself out there, right? But, I just had to put it into action. It was all I could do to keep from running out of the room screaming "Don't look at me". (What? I never claimed NOT to have issues).
If you'll remember my previous blog post, it talked about the whole getting myself back, putting myself out there, making friends, and no longer hiding. In theory, that was a fantastic idea. Like, if they gave olympic gold medals for that shit, I'd be right up there winning. (Winning, duhhh). Ideas, however, have to be turned into plans.

So...now I've committed to something (which don't get me wrong, I WANTED to commit to),  but now there is all this other stuff out there. Now I have to make friends. Now I have to open myself up. What if people don't like me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail? I've been hiding behind weight and living like a hermit protecting myself for so long, making excuses about why I can't hang out with people, that the action of actually getting out there and meeting people and participating and putting myself out there, is A LOT scarier than I even expected it to be. I guess I didn't realize how utterly shattered my self esteem had become, even though I project such a hard shell.

I was talking to one of the mentors after the meeting, Jo, who I know a little through twitter and a little through beer and no sooner did I say, I'm glad I did this, but I'm really nervous, did the tears start to fall and I had to leave before anyone else could see. And good god, we all know I cry over everything, so it's not like it's something they won't see a million times in the future.

I didn't expect my weight loss journey to be so emotional. I guess I should stop expecting what it's going to be like, and just let it happen.