Struggles. Not snuggles. Struggles. Emotional ones. Let me try to figure out how to even put this into words....
Remember how my last post was about how I am in terrible need of compliments? I don't even think compliments are going to help me over this hump.
I feel like I've gone so far and yet I have so far yet to go. I never thought I would feel this hopeless again. I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my journey.
60 lbs lost. And a million left to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's not true. But it feels like it.
Someone said on twitter the other day: "I have been eating like my old 238 lb self". This is a girl who is amazing. She started at that weight and is now running marathons and has lost 100 lbs. I realized that I'm just shy of what she started at. That kind of started my decline. I mean, to know that you have lost 60 lbs and are still just at a starting point. It's kind of upsetting. Then I saw some pictures of myself on Saturday and that was it. The decline was now fully engaged. I thought to myself, "If you look this fat now, imagine how you looked 60 lbs ago".
Putting this into words is more difficult to me than I thought it was going to be. I'm not sure I'm fully expressing how this feel. In reality, I've come so far. I know that in my head. To have gone from a size 24 to an 18 is a huge accomplishment. But, for some reason, I just feel like my world has been turned upside down again. I just feel like this is an impossible journey. I feel like those 60 lbs didn't matter. Ok great...now I'm LESS fat than I was before, but still a big ol fatty mcgee.
it takes a long time for our head to catch up to the rest of our body. especially when we're not all the way "there." you've lost 60 pounds - which is amazing. i have a feeling the rest, while it may not come off as quickly as the first 60, will be just a matter of time :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my sweet pancakes. It is NOT an impossible journey. I'm still here, lurky-lurking, cheering you on. It's not impossible -- it's YOURS. You'll get where you want to be, and you'll go through ups and downs, and you should be proud of each and every step it takes to get there. You're DOING something for yourself. That's the best start there is. XO.
ReplyDeleteI've gone from thin to chub to head-turning athlete...and back to the fattest I've ever been. When I read your struggles, at your successful state, I can't help but wonder what you must think when you see ME waddling down the street? Compassion? Non-judgement? If so, surely you deserve it even more.
ReplyDelete@Scotty...I would never judge...and always give compassion. I don't know what put people where they are. And I certainly wondered the same...I holed myself up in my house because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone looking at me.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's at a different point in their journey... and those of us who work harder to be where we want to be will appreciate it even more. You'll never let it go, because you'll always remember what it took to get there. Take your sweet time and enjoy learning the habits you'll keep with you for the rest of your life. And be PROUD, so proud of the 60 (SIXTY!!!) pounds you've dropped already. That's amazing, like you.
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