I'm an asshole

And a hypocrite it appears. I guess at least I can admit it? This might get some very angry responses, and I'm ok with that. You don't have to agree with me....I almost can't believe I'm writing this myself...

I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress this morning. There's a woman on there who is VERY plus size and she is complaining that she can't find any sample dresses to try on for her wedding. Then they interviewed her mom who said something along the lines of "It's so sad that designers today don't keep the plus size girls in mind" and she started to cry.
Then later on she said "Come on, the average person isn't a size 6". 

I about jumped through the TV to punch both of them. No, the average person isn't a size 6, but they are maybe a 12 or a 14. Look...I've only lost 35 lbs. I still weigh 250 and am still considered plus size. I've only gotten down to a size 20, so it's not like I'm a size 2 who is saying these things. (Yes, I know I'm still an asshole). You know what? Lose some weight if you have such an issue with it. That's what I did...I didn't want to try to try on wedding dresses as a fat bride. So I did something about it.

We have an epidemic in this country. We are DYING in this country...in this world. And instead of bitching because designers don't make things in your size, do something about your health.

And then there was.....

Crazy.
Yep. Welcome to Crazy Town. Population: Me.
I started this blog in the hopes I could easy my anxiety.
I made the decision to have Lap Band Surgery 6 months ago. When I made the decision...well, there wasn't even really a decision. I found out insurance would cover it and that was that. Not once did I have second thoughts.
The moment the 2 week mark hit, all these thoughts came running into my head. I'm not really THAT fat, am I? What am I doing this for? Is this the right decision? What if something goes wrong? Am I really going to be ok with having my stomach hold the amount of an egg for the rest of my life?
WHAT ABOUT THE PAIN???? OMG THE PAIN!!!

And then I remembered that I can't do this on my own. If the past 30 years haven't shown me that, I don't know what they have shown me. I need this tool. I need this to make sure I live the longest, healthiest, happiest life possible.

And then I thought...what's worse? Giving up control for an hour and trusting in my doctor and being in pain for a week or a lifetime of not being able to breathe when I walk up the stairs to my house? Or wondering if people are staring at how fat I am? Or having low self esteem whenever I try to go shopping? Or the thought of walking down the aisle in November as a fat bride?

And then I took a xanax and wished that Dec 2 would hurry up and get here.