Epic Fail

It didn't get any easier today. I thought maybe crying myself to sleep last night would have emptied me out. Turns out you can cry buckets and then still cry some more.

Had my doctors appointment this morning to discuss "the plan". "The plan". I hate that. But, I hate everything right now, so, whatever.

He said that because the wedding was coming up in about four weeks it was ok to wait until afterwards for surgery to remove the band. He said this wasn't a life threatening situation. Especially because the only symptom I am having is the drainage.

It's so weird to me. According to Thinner Times, essentially, Lap-Band erosion is migration of the band through the stomach wall into the stomach. When the band erodes into the stomach, bacteria from the stomach enter into the capsule that mutually forms around the band. The infection then travels along the tubing into the pocket around the subcutaneous port. Thus many patients who develop erosion first notice pain, redness, and swelling in the vicinity of the access port. Another way that band migration presents is with loss of the band's restrictive effect. When the band erodes well into the stomach, food can bypass around the band. The patient can eat much more than before.

None of this fits me. No swelling. No problem with restriction. Had I not had the drainage, I probably wouldn't have even known this was happening.

Part of me wants to just get this all over with. Having to think about this and deal with this until the surgery on November 21st is probably not healthy for someone who has as many crazy tendencies and obsessive thoughts as I do. The problem is, they said they don't really know what is going on in there till they get inside. It may take a lot more healing than we are expecting and I certainly don't want anything to mess with the wedding I've been planning for a year and a half.

Also, the crazy in me says "perfect. a little over a month before they remove the band gives you more time to lose more weight". Never mind there is a hole growing in my stomach, right?

This is how you know you are crazy. You don't care you're leaking from your belly button. You don't care that you're basically getting an ulcer (for all intensive purposes). All you care about is that the band is getting removed and JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF YOU GAIN?

My mom said to me, my best friend said to me, the dietician said to me, the doctor said to me "GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. You've lost 86 lbs since December and I can introduce you to 5 lapband patients that have had it for a year and have lost only 10 lbs. THE BAND DIDN'T DO THIS. YOU DID. You, Nicole, made good choices. You, Nicole, changed your eating habits and completed a half marathon. NOT THE BAND."

I can't accept that right now. I simply, just can't.

Surprise!

Leave it to me to have a complication. I'm in a really bad place right now.

I had an upper GI today and it showed band erosion. This means I will need to have the lap band completely removed. The band has eroded into my stomach lining. From doing research online, there seems to be a bunch of theories about why this happens. Some say it's from the band being too tight. Some say it is from the damage that is done to the stomach lining during surgery, making the lining weak.
And surprise! It happens in less than 2% of patients. Yeah that's right. LESS THAN TWO PERCENT. But, of course, it happens to me.

I meet with my doctor tomorrow morning to discuss options and when I'll have the band removed. He thinks we can wait till after the wedding on November 12th.
From talking with the nurse today, she said that we let things heal and then put a new lap band in. (Or , from my research online today, possibly I choose a different type of surgery. Maybe the gastric sleeve?) The research I've done online says normal healing time is 6-8 months. I know I really have to wait to discuss things with him tomorrow.

I have lost 85 lbs.
My guess? They remove the band and I gain 85 lbs. I mean I clearly wasn't able to do this on my own before. Hence why I had to have the surgery. I was told today that I'm placing too much stock in the band. I needed the band in the first place for a reason.
They take the band out and what's left? Me on my own.
Houston....we have a problem.

Oompa Loompa doompety doo

I'm sitting here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my nieces. Thinking again about how hungry I am.

If I could figure out how to REALLY contain hunger I am 99.9% sure I would solve the world's problem. I imagine we would have world peace. I'm pretty sure the reason all the world's wars have started is because someone is on a diet.

I'm supposed to be on a two week liquid diet up until my surgery. I started yesterday and I cheated today. So, not only am I feeling guilt for that, I'm thinking about how if I can't manage a two week liquid diet, how am I going to manage after surgery? Oh yea...did I mention that I was hungry too? Like really hungry? I could eat a pizza. And an Oompa Loompa.

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
  Eating as much as an elephant eats
  What are you at, getting terribly fat
  What do you think will come of that
  I don't like the look of it

I have to figure out a way to deal with this hunger. I have to distract myself somehow. And I have to follow this damn liquid diet. I need to remember the reason I started this process to begin with.

Reason 1) I do not want to have my only cothes be raw materials. "Have you seen my glorious tarp? It's Prada. Ok fine, it's 9000000 pieces of Prada sewn together."

Reason 2) I don't want to have to eventually gerry rig something to wipe my ass...like a a Fatty McGee MacGyver.

Reason 3) I still want to be able to use my legs. I don't want them to become something I just itch once in a while.

Ok, I could go on like this for hours, but the main reason I am doing this is for myself...so I feel happy and I need to remember that.

"Don't go out of your weigh to please anyone but yourself"

And then there was.....

Crazy.
Yep. Welcome to Crazy Town. Population: Me.
I started this blog in the hopes I could easy my anxiety.
I made the decision to have Lap Band Surgery 6 months ago. When I made the decision...well, there wasn't even really a decision. I found out insurance would cover it and that was that. Not once did I have second thoughts.
The moment the 2 week mark hit, all these thoughts came running into my head. I'm not really THAT fat, am I? What am I doing this for? Is this the right decision? What if something goes wrong? Am I really going to be ok with having my stomach hold the amount of an egg for the rest of my life?
WHAT ABOUT THE PAIN???? OMG THE PAIN!!!

And then I remembered that I can't do this on my own. If the past 30 years haven't shown me that, I don't know what they have shown me. I need this tool. I need this to make sure I live the longest, healthiest, happiest life possible.

And then I thought...what's worse? Giving up control for an hour and trusting in my doctor and being in pain for a week or a lifetime of not being able to breathe when I walk up the stairs to my house? Or wondering if people are staring at how fat I am? Or having low self esteem whenever I try to go shopping? Or the thought of walking down the aisle in November as a fat bride?

And then I took a xanax and wished that Dec 2 would hurry up and get here.