Epic Fail

It didn't get any easier today. I thought maybe crying myself to sleep last night would have emptied me out. Turns out you can cry buckets and then still cry some more.

Had my doctors appointment this morning to discuss "the plan". "The plan". I hate that. But, I hate everything right now, so, whatever.

He said that because the wedding was coming up in about four weeks it was ok to wait until afterwards for surgery to remove the band. He said this wasn't a life threatening situation. Especially because the only symptom I am having is the drainage.

It's so weird to me. According to Thinner Times, essentially, Lap-Band erosion is migration of the band through the stomach wall into the stomach. When the band erodes into the stomach, bacteria from the stomach enter into the capsule that mutually forms around the band. The infection then travels along the tubing into the pocket around the subcutaneous port. Thus many patients who develop erosion first notice pain, redness, and swelling in the vicinity of the access port. Another way that band migration presents is with loss of the band's restrictive effect. When the band erodes well into the stomach, food can bypass around the band. The patient can eat much more than before.

None of this fits me. No swelling. No problem with restriction. Had I not had the drainage, I probably wouldn't have even known this was happening.

Part of me wants to just get this all over with. Having to think about this and deal with this until the surgery on November 21st is probably not healthy for someone who has as many crazy tendencies and obsessive thoughts as I do. The problem is, they said they don't really know what is going on in there till they get inside. It may take a lot more healing than we are expecting and I certainly don't want anything to mess with the wedding I've been planning for a year and a half.

Also, the crazy in me says "perfect. a little over a month before they remove the band gives you more time to lose more weight". Never mind there is a hole growing in my stomach, right?

This is how you know you are crazy. You don't care you're leaking from your belly button. You don't care that you're basically getting an ulcer (for all intensive purposes). All you care about is that the band is getting removed and JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF YOU GAIN?

My mom said to me, my best friend said to me, the dietician said to me, the doctor said to me "GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT. You've lost 86 lbs since December and I can introduce you to 5 lapband patients that have had it for a year and have lost only 10 lbs. THE BAND DIDN'T DO THIS. YOU DID. You, Nicole, made good choices. You, Nicole, changed your eating habits and completed a half marathon. NOT THE BAND."

I can't accept that right now. I simply, just can't.

Surprise!

Leave it to me to have a complication. I'm in a really bad place right now.

I had an upper GI today and it showed band erosion. This means I will need to have the lap band completely removed. The band has eroded into my stomach lining. From doing research online, there seems to be a bunch of theories about why this happens. Some say it's from the band being too tight. Some say it is from the damage that is done to the stomach lining during surgery, making the lining weak.
And surprise! It happens in less than 2% of patients. Yeah that's right. LESS THAN TWO PERCENT. But, of course, it happens to me.

I meet with my doctor tomorrow morning to discuss options and when I'll have the band removed. He thinks we can wait till after the wedding on November 12th.
From talking with the nurse today, she said that we let things heal and then put a new lap band in. (Or , from my research online today, possibly I choose a different type of surgery. Maybe the gastric sleeve?) The research I've done online says normal healing time is 6-8 months. I know I really have to wait to discuss things with him tomorrow.

I have lost 85 lbs.
My guess? They remove the band and I gain 85 lbs. I mean I clearly wasn't able to do this on my own before. Hence why I had to have the surgery. I was told today that I'm placing too much stock in the band. I needed the band in the first place for a reason.
They take the band out and what's left? Me on my own.
Houston....we have a problem.